41 reasons why I am 41 years old!

41 reasons why I am 41 years old.

1) All dogs come from bitches. Bitching is, therefore, the mother of dogging. Consequently, the ratio of dogging to bitching is 1:5.

2) Your dreams are inversely proportional to your achievement. Hence your life is a nightmare.

3) However much you earn, the bloke next door seems to earn more and seems a lot happier than you.

4) Some things like smiling, laughing, parenting, making love can not be taught.

5) That your parents never told you their problems does not mean that they did not have any. You only realize the shit they went through once you become a parent.

6) Living with someone who is not your relative for the rest of your life is either the bravest or most foolish thing ever done by a human being.

7) Bitching about your boss in public is like scratching your balls in public – embarrassingly satisfying.

8) Spouses earning will never be the same. As a result, the one earning less will always take advantage of situations.

9) It’s easier to curse than to praise.

10) Your mum drummed into your head that men never grow up. Your dad did not stop singing that women are like children. That makes you the offspring of a child and an underage man.

11) The fuel tank, gas cylinder, phone credit, ATM cards, and children all seem to have a common name: CONSPIRE.

12) Even the guy who has lent you some chums had to borrow from someone who had to borrow…. We all are in debts.

13) When we were kids, we envied adults. Now that we are adults, we envy kids.

14) The most influential people in my life have been: (a) My dad for his visionary thinking; (b) My late bro for his endless humour and positivity; (c) My Strathmore teachers for their selflessness. All these had one thing in common – they did not have much but they were MUCH.

15) The least influential people in my life are politicians.

16) Men will bitch about a langa during daytime only to hover around her abode at night.

17) Men mutter the words “I love you” because not saying them will lead to a ‘never ending war’.

18) Majority sometimes means that all fools are on one side.

19) Your wallet is always full of everything else but money.

20) Publicly we all loathe politicians but secretly we would not mind being paid so much for doing so little.

21) The end of month pay day euphoria usually lasts for less than 24 hours. Reality checks in and the cycle begins.

22) Men were born unlucky. You cannot fake an orgasm; you are never sure if the kids are yours, alimony applies only to men and we are poor at arguing.

23) All our parents are shagsmondozz. That makes you a shagsmondozz-in-law.

24) Your spouse and your relatives are mutually exclusive.

25) The best part of dogging is being caught. Beating the system or trying to beat it is always the exciting part of the game.

26) You are only well dressed when you wear the clothes she bought.

27) You start living the moment you realize that you will die soon.

28) Great minds listen to ideas; great hearts listen to people.

29) Money cannot buy intelligence, but it can hire intelligent people.

30) That he is ‘small’ is a comment made by those who are ‘wide’. And vice versa.

31) However long a log stays in water, it will never become a crocodile. If you are bilaz, you are bilaz.

32) The people who hurt you the most are the people closest to you.

33) What do politicians tell their children when they are going to school?

34) Burying a loved one is the biggest pain ever invented by God. It hurts sooooo much that 10 years later the wounds are still there.

35) That we all seem to favour the paths of least resistance;

36) Technological advances seem to expose more of man’s weaknesses than strength. Cellphones, remote controls, computers;

37) At your age, where were your parents. At my age, my dad was a father of 5 and I was 4 years old. He seemed ancient.

38) Let he who has no sin cast the first stone. Don’t utter such words in a mjengo.

39) If you can win the arguing battles of the sexes, then rest assured that your relationship wont last. Girls have to win.

40) In the end we all die and then other fools take over to make the same mistakes that we made in life.

41) Kila Mtu Ni Celeb.